How a person responds to disappointments and failed expectations of self and other people greatly determines his or her outlook on life. Maybe we would rather allow our thoughts to focus on whatever brings us happiness or pleasure. Stopping to think, however, about what creates unhappiness and displeasure may be exactly what we need for the problem to be solved.
No Escaping It
Think about something in the last 24 hours that didn’t quite go the way you would have liked. Do you think it’s possible that your reaction, largely, or at least in a small way, had much to do with your initial feelings about the matter?
Disappointment is common to every human being alive. Because we live in a fallen, broken, and imperfect world, hurt feelings are inevitable. We become disappointed by peoples’ mistakes, misunderstandings, mistreatments, betrayals, injustices, abuses or even crimes. Sometimes disappointment is the entry point into a vicious cycle of complaining, blaming, justifying, and offending. Disappointment is the bait for the trap of defeat.
Log Jam
Disappointment piled on top of more disappointments can create stress, burnout, disorders, and even illness in your physical body. It drains the life out of the relationship with whom the dissatisfaction had its source. Accumulated disappointments can be likened to a log jam. The logs of disappointment mount, constricting the flow of water and draining the life out of the stream. The logs may consist of incorrect assumptions, false beliefs, ill-conceived perceptions, inaccurate conclusions, bad decisions, and condemning judgments.
The “king pin” of a log jam (in the form of disappointment) is critical judgement. When we wrongly judge others because of our skewed perspective, we needlessly carry bitterness and resentment in our heart. Jesus addresses this condition as recorded in the first book of the New Testament. “Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:1-5; NASB). Jesus uses the term hypocrite to describe someone who is quicker to point out the faulty actions of others than to correct his or her own beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors.
For Example
A common example is when someone you meet in a social setting does not respond to you in the way you would expect. Perhaps you are with a family member at a party and your friend helping to host the party doesn’t greet you when you say hello, or pay enough attention to you while you are there. You may assume she heard y your greeting. You may believe she is ignoring you. You may perceive that she has been snippy to you in the past. You may conclude that she is a bad person and allow bitterness to take root in your heart. You may even decide to return some nasty treatment. All the while this condemning judgment may be totally unfounded. Your friend may have been preoccupied with her hosting duties and unable to respond the way you had wished. A false assumption led to disappointment that started you down a path of toxic judgment.
Even if your friend’s failure to greet you was intentional on her part, before you draw conclusions and allow bitterness to take root, it is imperative to withhold your judgment of her personhood. Her unexpected (and maybe even unacceptable) behavior must be separated from who she is as a person created and loved by God. Our default nature is to condemn others and defend our own judgments as accurate. However, we must allow God to transform this tendency, and trust him to be the righteous Judge.
Another common example is in the use of so-called social media. Communication is difficult even in face-to-face conversation, but delivering and receiving a message via electronic devices is almost a guarantee for misinterpretation in some degree. Critical judgments occur frequently. People wrongly judge others’ intentions. People condemningly judge heart motivations when not able to separate the person from their behavior.
We all participate in these kinds of wrongful judgments each day. It happens with bosses, customers, spouses, other family members, friends, clerks, co-workers, roommates, Christian brothers and sisters, and even ourselves. Failed expectations create disappointments (some creating hurts or wounds), which reinforce false assumptions and misbeliefs, creating offenses, feeding condemnation, creating bitter root judgments, and deepening bad judgments already made previously (see Hebrews 12:15). These bad judgments toxify our relationships and rob us of the grace of forgiveness God provides as the solution. Understanding and practicing forgiveness requires a commitment to allow God to change our heart.
Inside Out Change
Human nature desires the comfort of the familiar and resists change. Finding fault with another (or critically judging) is often a diversion technique to avoid making the painful adjustments necessary to improve our own character or behavior. The discomfort of restructuring our mind, will, and emotions must be overcome. Our core belief systems must be examined and destructive thinking and feeling patterns must be replaced with constructive ones. Please refer to some of my other blog articles on how this works.
In an audio book called Leadership: From the Inside Out, Kevin Cashman writes, “Change is usually seen as something happening ‘out there.'” The world changes, products change, competition changes, technology changes, people change …. All significant change begins with self change. “Moving our concept of change from an outside-in paradigm to an inside-out paradigm has profound implications. When viewed from this perspective, we see change as an internal dynamic. An internal process of learning and development. Change is perceived as something to be mastered from within vs. something only going on ‘outside.’ Ultimately, people resist, adapt, or learn from it. In this regard, all change fundamentally takes place with the person.” If a person wishes to change the world, one must start by changing him or her “self.”
Organizational change follows the same principle of the inner preceding the outer change. Many leaders fail to make the connection between their own personal growth and transformation, and that of their organization. Transformation is not an event, but an ongoing process of knowing who we are, maintaining clear vision of who we want to create, and then going for it. Internal change precipitates marketplace change. Businesses, churches, and institutions of all types (particularly their leadership) will save themselves much time and money by recognizing this inside-out change dynamic.
Three Step Solution
What are the steps one can implement to attain this kind of change? That’s a great left-brained question, but unfortunately, step-by-step methodology doesn’t work very well in this case. The three steps to unjamming the logs are as follows: 1) surrender,
2) surrender, and 3) surrender. Surrendering to God the right to hold on to your perspective on the people and events that created the disappointment, jells the building blocks for lasting inner change. Demanding a particular outcome, without yielding to God’s ways and methods of dealing with circumstances, is a setup for disappointment.
Not all change is good change. Change for change sake is not good change. Change that takes a person further away from the ways of God is not good change. Good change is change of mind and heart that gives substance for hope. Romans 5:1-5 says, “Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Disappointments are inevitable. But. even the worst kinds of disappointments are redeemable through our faith in Jesus Christ. Persisting through hope in Christ is the best way to resolve disappointments. Following God through trying circumstances keeps us on a path of good change.
Receive, Surrender, Trust
The closest I can come to a 3 step process is the following. These are the titles to chapter 4,5, and 6 of a book I authored called Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart. The first, forgiveness: receiving God’s gift. The second, forgiveness: surrendering to God. The third, forgiveness: trusting God for change. I believe there is a way to allow the opportunity in every difficulty, to overcome the difficulty of the opportunity. Receiving the gift of God’s son Jesus to forgive our sins and short comings is the beginning of a process of surrender that can lead to a trust in Almighty God to embrace change as a positive agent for victory. Even extreme disappointment and tragedy can be faced with a heart turned toward God as provider, protector, image bearer, companion, friend, comforter, caretaker, and teacher. Thus “His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6). With all of our real needs met, what more could we ask for?
Some reading this may still be disappointed in the fact that disappointment is a normal expected part of the process. After all, doesn’t following Christ mean adversity goes away? You may say, “I became a Christian to get rid of hard times.” If that is your understanding of what it means to come to Christ, surrendering that expectation to God is a very good first step (entry point) in beginning the change process.
With God as our Refuge, there’s nothing in life’s journey that cannot be overcome. Making an appointment with God is the best first step to chase disappointment away. Cooperating with his agenda realigns our broken judgments with his righteous judgment. Trusting God’s appointed solution satisfies like nothing else can. May each reader find the grace to receive his appointment, today.