As if emotions were not difficult enough to understand, adding the concept of “safety” makes it even harder. As a friendly warning, this article may not be emotionally safe.
Let me first say that I believe there is a place for guarding a person’s emotional well-being. Certainly in cases of serious neglect, abuse or trauma, memories of past events can trigger emotions that in turn create very unpleasant reactions. PTSD in a war veteran, trauma caused by sexual assault, or deep wounds caused by extreme violence may be examples of legitimate reasons for limiting contact with people and circumstances similar in nature to the source of the woundedness. However, these are exceptions to what I wish to address here.
Safety is defined by the Noah Webster’s 1828 dictionary as, “freedom from danger or hazard; as the safety of an electrical experiment; the safety of a voyage.” A second part of his definition says, “exemption for hurt, injury, or loss. We crossed the Atlantic in safety.” Governments have objective standards and codes for fire safety in buildings, road safety, and medical concerns. The concept of safety can be easily understood when applied to physical well-being. But when assigning “hurt, injury, or loss” to the emotional realm, great complication is added.
Figuring out emotional responses are a much more subjective matter. What is a “loss” for one person, may not be a loss at all for another. What hurts or injuries one personality type may be a cause for celebration of another. For example, an introvert may cherish being called a “book worm” and love to spend their time in a library or at home reading a book. They may be more easily offended by people who make negative remarks towards education related activities. Extroverts on the other hand value social interaction and may be more easily offended by mandating things like “social distancing” or “lock down” orders. Gender and cultural differences are two additional areas of major variances in the feelings created inside a person. A gesture or comment can illicit totally opposite reactions depending on a person’s background and core belief systems. What can be declared “safe” fluctuates greatly in interpretation.
Reality
Although feelings are real, feelings are not reality. Something may feel threatening that is not threatening at all. If a rattle snake scurries across the path you are hiking in the woods, you may feel scared. The feeling of fear may be real, but if the snake is just trying to hide and avoid contact with you, there is nothing to fear. Many types of phobia could fall into the category of unsubstantiated fears. Things in our physical world can create fears, but actions and words spoken by other people can also create negative feelings. The reality of what was done or spoken can be very different from the first impressions that popped into mind. Have you ever greeted someone in a hallway and they didn’t respond to you? Not having your presence acknowledged by another person may create feelings of invalidation, insignificance, worthlessness, or abandonment. However, the person may have been so overwhelmed with all-consuming events in their own life, that they couldn’t be totally aware of their surroundings at the moment. Hence, they couldn’t even return a greeting. The reality of a situation can be very different from the way you feel about it.
Something may feel true, that in reality, has no truth to it at all. “Feeling safe” cannot be confused with “being safe.” To be truly safe, we cannot allow feelings to trump facts. Truth is truth, no matter how it makes a person feel. As Ben Shapiro says, “Facts don’t care about your feelings.” The fact is that we live in a very unsafe world. For further reading check out a book Grow Up!: Life Isn’t Safe, but It’s Good by Dr. Everett Piper. Another great book I read recently is Beyond Our Control: Let Go of Unmet Expectations, Overcome Anxiety, and Discover Intimacy with God by Michael McAfee and Lauren Green McAfee. The reality is that we have much less control of our life circumstances than we care to believe. The more we can release our demands for things to go a certain way, the more peace will grow in our hearts and the more safety we will feel. Let me also refer the reader to my book PACE to Peace: Finding Inner Rest in a World of Unrest. The path to healthy growth is a process of transforming the inner life. It takes us through valleys of discovering lies we are believing about ourselves, God, and others, and calls us to surrender to the truth.
In many circles of today’s “cancel” culture, the term “emotionally unsafe” is commonly being used to merely describe feelings of discomfort, displeasure, or psychological pain. In my book mentioned above, I explain how I see a difference between feelings and emotions. I liken feelings to thoughts, and emotions to ideas. In a similar way that ideas come from a collection of thoughts, our emotions are generated by a collection of feelings. Thoughts and feelings just happen, but ideas and emotions are things we have more control over. At some level, we have the ability to choose what thoughts will form our ideas, for good or bad. The thoughts we focus on will eventually determine how we behave. Similarly, we have ability to choose how to respond to our feelings and emotions.
It is helpful to view emotions as messengers. Feeling anger or fear, for example, has a deeper meaning behind it. Feeling fear is legitimate when you see the snake cross your path. But if you draw the wrong conclusion to the message fear is sending, your reaction can be inappropriate. You may feel anger when someone appears to ignore you, cut you off in traffic, or downplays your performance on an important project. But rather than condemningly judge the other person (who may have undisputable reason to act as they did), I suggest looking for the deeper meaning of the anger. Acknowledging feelings of abandonment, powerlessness, or invalidation (and dealing with those feelings), may help you become a “safer” (healthier) person yourself.
Damage
Tragically, the misuse of the term is having devastating effects on interpersonal relationships. I believe much confusion has been created by the term “emotional safety,” and much damage to the mental health of individuals and families. Much estrangement of family members has occurred because of misunderstanding this term. Even mental health professionals are using this term to further alienate rather than reconcile. Another very commonly misused term is “boundaries.” Instead of legitimate limits, the concept of “boundaries” is being used as a wall of control and manipulation. It is morally unacceptable, for example, for an adult child to cut a parent off merely because they disagree with them, feel uncomfortable around them, or didn’t like the way they parented. Too often, it seems to have become acceptable to claim a “no contact boundary” to prevent a family member or close friend from feeling “emotionally unsafe.”
Again, I’m not suggesting that legitimate abuse be ignored. Proper limits for safety may be appropriate and necessary in some cases. But arbitrary cutoffs without consideration of a path to reconciliation should not be happening among people who call themselves believers in Christ (see 2 Corinthians 5). Popular culture may suggest that you as an individual get to decide what is “toxic” or “unsafe” for you. Christians should not be taking their cues from popular culture. It should be the other way around. Jesus calls us to love. The “love chapter” in the Bible is 1 Corinthians 13 that defines what love truly means. Jesus summed the 10 commandments into two, love God and love your neighbor as yourself. Love always wants the best for another person. Condemning people as “emotionally unsafe,” for reasons other than serious physical or verbal abuse, is not loving.
Emotional safety is a myth. It is an unrealistic expectation. It is fathered by false pretenses and outright lies (John 8:44). Constantly taking the easy way out is not a healthy way to live. No one is entitled to a “pain free” existence. Endurance is produced by persevering through difficult circumstances. There are no short cuts to maturity. In my book Pace to Peace, I discuss the idea of “emotional capacity” (EC). Increasing EC in a person, increases their ability to cope and endure the storms of life. Running to a false “emotional safety” has the opposite effect. Instead of retreating from the presence of people we deem “difficult,” we should be asking for God’s help to treat them as valuable people made of the same stuff we are. That may take courage. Courage is not the absence of fear, but pressing through in the midst of fear. Discovering space for healthy conflict and communication can help you grow into a better person.
Finally, for a true picture of “safety,” let me encourage the reader to look up Psalm 3 in a Bible and read it. “Salvation belongs to the Lordl” (Psalm 3:8). True safety is in the loving arms of God. Depending on, or demanding that, a person make you “emotionally safe” is a vain hope. Trusting in God who created you and knows the most about your inner needs and desires, is a much more solid hope. With the presence of God inside you, you can feel “emotionally safe” whomever you are with, wherever you go, and whatever the situation. May God lead you into true emotional safety.