Boundaries

Boundaries are good and necessary things. Some ways to describe boundaries include borders, confines, edges, margins, and limits. Nations have borders to define the territory under their control. Farmers create fences  to manage animal herds. State transportation departments maintain highways and traffic laws to facilitate safe travel. The digital world is limited by the bits and bytes in a computer. The cosmos operates with precision to shape the earth’s existence. Our world is full of boundaries that maintain order and prevent chaos.

As in our physical world, our relational world is served by boundaries. A competent parent understands the need for boundaries for developing a child’s character. A soldier learns the confines of boundaries to serve in the military. Teachers need rules to manage classrooms. Law enforcement officers serve to uphold the standards of behavior determined by a governing jurisdiction (local, state, or federal). The reader may think of other examples, but all have one thing in common: the concept of authority. Authority releases legitimate operations within a boundary.

God’s Idea

All human behavior is governed by God’s authority. Whether a person is willing or able to accept this fact, it is true no matter what he or she believes. In the beginning, God created the man and woman and gave them one boundary: do NOT try to decide for themselves what is good and evil. Genesis 2:16-17 says, “And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.” God gave mankind a choice; allow God to be Judge of right and wrong, and live; or try to judge right from wrong for himself, and experience the consequences of death.

Boundaries are God’s idea. He created them for man’s benefit. Many of us know that Adam and Eve made the wrong choice. All the brokenness in our world stems from this one breach of God’s boundary. Man decided he wanted to try being his own judge (and ate the proverbial forbidden fruit). But how many of us truly understand the magnitude of the “curse” God pronounced as a result? Do we realize our struggles to maintain proper boundaries today is related to the same choice? Do we follow God, or not? Do we accept his judgments as right and absolutely true, or not? Are we surrendered to his authority, or not? Are his boundaries supreme to boundaries we make for ourselves and require of others?

God’s boundaries govern in human-to-human relations. Jesus himself had some things to say about boundaries. When asked to explain the most important of the ten commandments (boundaries), he summarized them into two: “Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments” (Matthew 22:37-40). Besides loving God (by surrendering to his authority), we extend his authority in our relationships with other people. We are to love others. We are to behave towards others as we would want them to behave toward us. We are to put others’ interests ahead of our own. We are to choose God’s definition of love as explained in the Bible.  We are to act in line with God’s authority, which may mean renouncing the trends of popular culture.

Authorized Boundaries

Sadly, the term “boundaries” is being used very inappropriately by many people in recent years. The individualistic mindset of modern western culture exalts immediate, personal gratification over longer term, family-oriented and community benefits. When boundaries are considered in terms of individual rights and entitlements they too quickly erode into selfishness and egotism. I’m not saying individual preferences and desires should be ignored completely. God made every person unique in some ways, and our uniqueness as individuals is what benefits the whole. The idea of differentiation is valid and celebrating uniqueness has its place. But I hear more and more frequently the term boundaries being used for illegitimate separations in relationship.  These separations violate God’s boundaries of love and acceptance.

Again. in some cases, such as matters of obeying conscience, legitimate abuse, ongoing neglect and non-repentance, there is a need for legitimate boundaries, and are exceptions to what I am addressing here. Mental health concerns, for example, are real and have casualties. No one should have to endure physical or serious emotional abuse.  But being to quick to label narcissism, emeshment, emotionally unsafe, or irredeemable can make the problem worse. I am hearing of more and more cases where therapists (even so-called Christian therapists) are encouraging relational cut-offs for less than legitimate reasons. Instead of love and biblical reconciliation, they advocate “no contact,” and thus rule out God’s authority and order of love and redemption. Furthermore, it’s simply rude, arrogant, and perpetuates anti-social behavior. I share more about the nonsensical aspects in a previous article called “Emotionally Safe.”

Illegitimate boundaries stem from an inaccurate or incomplete view of God’s authority. Legitimate authority comes from God. Legitimate boundaries honor God, while illegimate (selfish) boundaries  bring dishonor to God and people. God’s authority trumps being an authority unto ourselves. Personal desires, demands, and wishes must bow to God’s ways and timing.

Misusing Boundaries

The word “boundary” has become more commonly misused as a code word for a demand or desire. An example may be when someone doesn’t like what they are being asked to do, or doesn’t want to respond to a question they are asked, and they say, “That violates my boundaries.” The question may be as simple as inviting an opinion a slightly controversial subject, “What do you think?” Instead of saying, “I’d rather not talk about that right now,” and allow an open door for disagreement, they make it an issue that becomes a wall of separation. Or sometimes an unreasonable demand is made, that includes a condition that when not met, is labeled a boundary violation. ”I don’t want you to do this or that, and if you do _________  (fill in the blank with some unwarranted consequence). This amounts to manipulation and control.

Within the realm of “cancel culture,” these self-pronounced boundaries become excuses for limiting contact with the condemned individual, or cutting off the relationship entirely. Being angry at someone for simply saying or doing something offensive is no reason to condemningly judge them as a person. Condemning judgments destroy relationships, but God never condemns personhood, nor should we. God is the ultimate Judge, not us. Redemption is always within God’s boundaries, and so should it be in our person-to-person relationships. We should never hear a Christian say, “I’ll never speak to that person again.” Yet, the influence of popular culture has people thinking it is okay to try to resolve inner conflict by just pushing a person out of their life.

We must distinguish between healthy limits and unhealthy walls. Denouncing or holding a person in contempt (without opportunity for redemption) creates an unholy wall of separation. We are called to be reconcilers (2 Corinthians 5), not impenetrable wall builders. If we claim to be living within God’s boundaries, we cannot “wall out” (rule out) God’s redemption.

Deeper and deeper divisions are being recognized in our culture today. I am hearing the term “boundary violation” used as a catalyst for feeding peoples’ differences.  Some examples may be colleagues, fans, or political contenders who cut family members and long-time friends out of their lives because of disagreement. There are more and more adult children who completely disown their parents and grandparents for no legitimate reason. Thousands of families (perhaps even tens or hundreds of thousands)  are negatively impacted by the misuse of the term “boundaries.” My wife and I were not aware of the magnitude of parents being estranged from their adult children until it happened to us. The children of the adult children abandoning their parents, are the ones who suffer the most. In a world where children need as much support as they can get, the adult children of the estranged parents are robbing the grandchildren of a loving, caring and supportive relationship. Cutting children off from their grandparents further devalues family, and undermines the development of character and stability in a person’s overall health.  

Redeeming Boundaries

Many hearts are broken as the enemy of our soul operates with his version of boundaries. Evil refuses to recognize God’s boundaries. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10, NIV). For anyone claiming to follow Jesus, their practice of boundaries must include love and redemption as explained in the Bible.

So, we get to the Good News. If we are on the receiving end of a false boundary, we have hope. Jesus is our Refuge. Jesus not only died to forgive our sin, and the sin of our offender, but he died and resurrected to absorb the pain of the consequences of sin. Jesus is our pain bearer (Isaiah 53:1-6). Jesus is our burden bearer (Matthew 11:28-29). It seems too simple, but sometimes we make it hard because we think we’re entitled to anger or retribution. Even if we’ve been unfairly judged, condemning judgment in return is not within God’s boundary. By surrendering to the authority of Jesus, we can have his abundant grace poured into whatever situation we find ourselves in. If the reader needs help with receiving this good news, please contact me. Seek help from a friend or counselor so that someone else’s do-called boundary doesn’t not limit the boundless grace of God in your life.  If you are seeing a counselor who does not respect God’s ways of reconciliation, seek a new counselor. Life is too short not to.

Note: Just to be very clear; I am not advocating that anyone tolerate abuse. Physical force and daily doses of insulting language are examples of things that should not be put up with, and where legitimate boundaries should be drawn. If this is happening to you, take action to get free. If you don’t know what to do, seek help from proper authorities to have the bad treatment stopped.